Knock on the door

I was back in England with the family and working a month. I was still sleeping and there was a loud knock on the door, my mother asked me to answer the door. I was very sleepy, went downstairs and opened the door and there were two unmarked police cars and several policemen wearing protective clothes. They asked me to confirm my name and asked me why they were there, I responded that I didn't know.

Two of the policemen came in and spoke to me to explain that they were there to check the property for electronic devices and to ask me some questions about my online behaviour. At this point it hadn't sunk in and I hadn't realised that there were two other policemen speaking to my mother explaining the exact thing. 

They asked me to show them, all my electronic devices and passwords that I had, they looked through my belongings in my room, asked me to get dressed and then took me through to speak to my mother.

The disappointment and the shock on my mother's face was terrible, at this moment, reality had started to hit home, after going to the toilet whilst being accompanied by a policeman, I was led out to one of the cars that was waiting outside. 

They booked me into the cells and provided me with a tracksuit, I wasn't aloud laces in my shoes. A couple of other people from the local police force took my photo, finger prints and saliva to put my DNA onto the database.

After being back in the cell for about an hour, the arresting officer asked me to go through to the interview room, as I was still fully unaware of my situation I had said that I wouldn't need legal representation. Very soon afterwards I realised that I was out of my depth and needed some help. I was led back to the cell where I waited for a duty solicitor.

The arresting officers were always in touch with the other officers at my house, they had also sent somebody out to speak to my work place, to explain that I wouldn't be working there any more.

When the solicitor arrived, the investigating officers, asked me more questions about the illegal content that I had and explained the different categories and also asked me about some conversations that I'd had with people online about my fantasies and trading child pornography.

At 4pm, they said that they would take me home. prior to leaving I was visited by a doctor to check my mental state and they gave me some numbers for helplines, as it is quite normal for people to have suicidal thoughts after a traumatic day.

They also provided me with an old mobile phone with a new number.

I had a few difficult moments when I first walked in because my mother was still shocked and worried about the fact that the police had been at the house for several hours going through my electronic devices, paperwork and also the rest of the house including her own phone to make sure there was nothing else hidden in the house.

She was obviously concerned about the neighbours asking questions and the fact that she would have to move house in the future. Although I believed that  I would never be caught, I was now beginning to realise how my actions had affected the people I loved.

I had to tell my sister because I have a niece and obviously the police would be concerned, if there had been any  physical contact. I phoned my sister, so I could explain a bit about what had happened but one of the police officers had already spoken to her and had informed social services of my arrest because there was a potential child at risk.

Bearing everything that had happened to her during the day she was very understanding and she told me that she still loved me and that I had messed up big time. The shame and guilt I felt at that moment was too much, I didn't deserve that response.

Later that evening I spoke to my partner who was still in Spain about what had happened and why she hadn't been able to contact me all day, as I no longer had my phone. The moment I told her still haunts me two years later, I could hear her break, the disappointment that she felt because I couldn't speak to her about my problems. What was she going to do? We were living in two different countries, obviously she would have to speak to her family and our friends in Spain about what had happened. Her whole life had been thrown up into the air and it was all too much for her to take in.

She did say that we would be able to work it out but that was never going to happen, she spoke to me a few times afterwards but the hurt was taking a toll on her mental health and after a few months she never spoke to me again. We shared lots of happy moments together over the 15 years but some things are just too much. 

People will say that I was being selfish and only thinking of myself but I have learnt a lot about myself since then through the help of Stopitnow  and Lucy Faithfull Foundation